Paulitics: Answering More of Your relationship questions
If you missed my first take on relationship advice, don’t worry, because I’m back with another Q+A today. Thanks for sending all your relationship questions in and I’ll be sure to do another round of these in a few months if there are more questions!
Q: What is a good amount of times to “do the deed” in a week?
A: WHENEVER YOUR PARTNER WILL LET YOU (or when your kids will give you privacy, if you’ve got them)!!! No but in all seriousness, I do think intimacy is important in a relationship. It is hard to give a specific number of times as some couples are more sexual than others. But I do think it should be regular
Q: Do you and Sivan get into heated arguments? Bicker? I feel like my husband and I bicker so much since Covid.
A: Disagreements within a couple are extremely normal and often times can be productive. Progress often results from conflict. I’d add though, that it’s extremely important that a minimum level of respect is maintained at all times. IMO, respect is another one of the three pillars necessary for a healthy relationship. For example, when Sivan and I get into arguments we never resort to personal insults. We may make general insults but you can never take words back. And even if said in the heat of the moment, your significant other may never forget, which could lead to resentment and insecurity. You should do your best to adhere to The Golden Rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Q: Is there anything you feel you need to be careful about when having kids that has a negative impact on marriage?
A: Bringing a child home is an amazing moment in life, and the child is surely to become the center point of the household. However, it is important to continue making sure your partner feels seen and is not neglected. There was a short period of time where Sivan actually voiced to me how upset she was becoming when we first brought Capri home because she felt all my attention was being given to Capri. Obviously it was unintentional as I was just so excited about Capri and quickly remedied, but feelings of neglect and isolation could quickly turn into big issues within a marriage.
Q: What are your top three favorite personality traits in a person?
A: Consistency, loyalty, and honesty.
Q: What is the best way I can better support my s/o in his professional life while they are making a career change?
A: Just by reinforcing that you have his/her back so that they are not afraid to take the chance necessary to achieve what the truly want. And then, of course, showing up for whatever they need – whether helping more around the house, with the kids (if you have them), or helping them to be better at their new job. One of the hardest times of Sivan and I’s relationship was when I was studying for the bar. I was so extremely focused on my studies (and stressed) and hoped/expected that Sivan would go above and beyond by pulling more weight with respect to the mundane household tasks that we usually split equally. Although Sivan eventually understood where I was coming from, at first she didn’t. This unsatisfied expectation led to me feeling like she wasn’t there for me when I needed her and resulted in arguments.
Q: How do you deal with jealousy?
A: It all comes down to trust (one of the three pillars of a relationship: Trust, Communication, and Respect). Trust is one of the fundamental building blocks for a healthy relationship and without trust you will live your life in fear and never truly let your guard down. To truly give yourself to someone, you have to trust that they won’t hurt you.
Q: If a guy is super into you already by date 2 and already wants to see you a lot/inviting you to hang with his friends—is this a red flag at all?
A: Sounds like the guy is just direct and not trying to play games. He is likely looking for a more serious relationship rather than just having fun. As long as you are looking for the same thing, I do not think this should be a red flag at all. Not everyone plays the game (or has any).
Q: Sex during pregnancy?
A: For as long as it feels good for everyone! Because after birth, you won’t have the option for 4 to 6 weeks…
Q: What do you think is the ideal age difference in a relationship?
A: Age is just a number. It’s all about maturity and that happens for people at all different ages.
Q: Is cheating a deal-breaker?
A: 100% cheating is a deal breaker for me. For better or for worse, I would never be able to fully trust someone after being betrayed like that and the relationship could never be the same. Like a reputation, Trust takes a lifetime to build and a minute to destroy.
Q: Do you and Sivan do therapy? Why or why not?
A: Although we are not against therapy, we have never done it. However, Sivan and I are both very direct people who have no issue addressing conflict straight on, sometimes at nauseum. So when something is bothering either of us it usually results in a long conversation requiring both of us to communicate each of our perspectives and almost always will not come to a close until there is some form of resolution. As previously stated, I feel communication is 1 of the 3 pillars of a relationship so I am all for whatever gets the job done.
Let me know what you want me to cover next!