Pretty sure this is my first time typing this out…I’M PREGNANT!!!!
It is such a surreal feeling and I’m pretty sure I’m still in shock, but one thing for sure is I’m SO relived to be sharing this news with you all. There is lots of go over, I hardly know where to begin. But first, let’s go over the details everyone always wants to know: today I’m 14 weeks & 4 days, & I’m due September 22nd, 2018. OKAY, now are you ready for the longest, most detailed post of my life?! Get comfortable….
HOW / WHEN I FOUND OUT
Well, I was in Cabo living it up. Drinking cocktails (6 total, for the record), napping a lot, being a sloth, reading, falling asleep, eating room service, and going to bed early. It was a very relaxing trip. But something was off, I would cap out at 2 cocktails per days, which is on the low side for me (I’m not an alcoholic, I promise). My body just didn’t seem to want it. I was also starving during mealtimes. My sleep was also funky. Somehow I was waking up in the middle of the night to pee (super unusual for me), and then not being able to fall back asleep. I didn’t read too much into it, as we were in the midst of buying our house, so I figured I was just a little stressed. The last weird thing that happened on the last day of the trip is I woke up from a mid-morning nap (also something I don’t do) to a pounding heart. At that point I looked at Paul and dragged his attention to how bizarre I was feeling. He immediately jumped to me being pregnant, which I quickly dismissed. But wait….I was 45 days “late” (more on that later) and my boobs were sore….I needed to get home STAT.
After the long haul home–flight, customs, baggage, Uber, etc. I finally made it home to take my damn test. You can imagine how long the 2-hour flight and traffic-filled drive home felt to me at this point. Taking the test was like any other time I took the test–expecting it to be Negative. When I saw the first line develop I just walked away slightly deflated because I was so convinced that I was pregnant. A few minutes later when I re-entered the bathroom I saw TWO lines. Positive. My heart sank. I had already put in my retainer and gave it zero thought, I just walked right up to Paul and shoved the test in his face. I tried capturing it on camera but failed (as you can see in my vlog now live on YouTube).
That night was unreal. I couldn’t sleep. I had to tell my family. So many things crossed my mind–timing, our new house, my career, my body, the alcohol I just consumed, among 3000 other things. The following morning I called my doctor to make an appointment, disappointed to hear that I would have to wait 2 weeks to be seen. WTF!? I needed to know how far I was, was I REALLY pregnant, what do I do, how I do I eat, can I use face oil?! SO. MANY. THING.
THE STRANGE THINGS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE
Literally just going to bullet-point all the strange / coincidental things that happened leading up to me finding out…
- On the 6-hour drive home from Tahoe, we discussed how in 2018 we were going to “try” to have a baby. I will share my story about trying and failing soon, but I’ll leave that for another post. BUT, it was decided. In 2018 we would take initiative to get pregnant. Little did we know…I was very newly pregnant during this conversation. I’m pretty positive I got knocked up on Christmas in Tahoe…must be the altitude!
- On this drive I also convinced Paul that we should buy our new house because I could see us raising our future family there. Good thing I did, because now I have a fabulous little space to make a nursery.
- On the first day of our Cabo trip, we got drunk off margaritas and started randomly talking about absurd baby names. Things like boulder, crab, Tajin, sand…we were drunk and found it hilarious. But why did we have this random convo???
- Around the holidays I started reading a book about the Fertility Awareness Method. It was recommended to me by a follower and I was fascinated! It taught me so much about my body, I recommend reading it even if you’re not trying to have a baby. I had just started “charting” my temperature and other bodily functions like the book told me (as in, like, 4 days in) when I discovered I was pregnant! Crazy…
- On January 22nd I had an appointment set with my nutritionist, who uses holistic methods for fertility treatment, to discuss how she could help me get pregnant. On January 21st I found out I was pregnant. I still went to my appointment, but I left with a ton of vitamins to keep me and the baby perfectly healthy during the pregnancy instead.
HOW I FELT IN THE FIRST TRIMESTER
Since I found at I was pregnant at 6 weeks (yikes!), I was immersed into the typical pregnancy symptoms pretty much the next day. Nausea, fatigue, frequent peeing, bad skin…the works. Of course Paul had ordered every book under the sun on Amazon Prime so I was pretty caught up on what I missed the last 6 weeks in no time. Week 6 & 7 were rough for me. I hated ALL food. Nothing sounded good to me, and if it did, by the time it arrived I no longer wanted it. I would sit outside in the sun for hours just trying to breathe fresh air to pass the nausea. Luckily, I never had to throw up, but the dizziness was next level and SO uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was get on my Stories and complain to you guys!!! I had (still don’t, really) zero desire to do my hair or makeup, get dressed, cook, or go anywhere. I was happiest sitting on the couch with a massive blanket in sweat pants. It was a little depressing if we’re being honest, as my motivation to work was in the toilet and I knew if I didn’t fight through it my career would suffer.
It didn’t take long before you guys caught on. I started getting DM’s asking if I was pregnant because I was resting a lot, always in sweat pants, and not really posting. Of course it didn’t help when I accidentally posted a Story of the sonogram in the background once and over 1000 people saw it….pregnancy brain, I guess?
Working out has also been a struggle. I still work out with my trainer once a week but walking on the treadmill has been my go-to. My energy level is just so low (still) that I can’t do boxing or anything with too much cardio involved. While I haven’t gained any weight yet, I know I need to remain active during this pregnancy since my body (& thyroid condition) depend on it. It also makes me feel really good.
KEEPING THIS SECRET HAS BEEN HARD ON ME
Believe it or not, I am really attached to you guys. I’m so used to putting my life out there for the world to see and experience with me, that not sharing the baby news has been hard on me. Obviously I knew I had to wait until it was “safe” to share (usually the 12 week mark) but keeping this massive secret is probably one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in my career. Basically all I wanted to do was explain WHY I’ve been a little quiet on social media, and HOW I’m feeling, etc. I started feeling guilty for my lack of posts and Stories. I was also finding myself not really moving forward with the news. Meaning: I didn’t want to think about the nursery or the baby shower, or anything really, until you guys knew. How could I proceed to plan such big exciting things without you guys?! Seriously, I came to this realization the other day when I was forced to really think about WHY I’m not “getting into it.” The short answer is, because I felt like a big part of me was in the dark and it just wasn’t fair to move forward without you guys knowing.
Initially I thought I would wait to announce once I started showing (not really sure when that happens), because I didn’t think there was a real reason to share it earlier. But once I recognized how much sharing the news would help me get excited and make it more real, it was a no brainer! Even just typing this post is getting me excited. It might be sad to say, but social media is a really big part of my life and I appreciate the relationships I’ve built with you guys probably more than you know.
WHAT’S NEXT
Well, I’m officially in the 2nd trimester and feeling a lot better. I’m still very tired, which I blame on my thyroid, but overall I can’t complain. Looking back, the couple weeks of discomfort I had is nothing compared to what other people go through. Now that we are settling into the new house I’m excited to get started on the nursery. I still haven’t gone full Sivan Mode on it–Pinterest boards, delegating tasks, making plans, ordering stuff–I’m taking my time. I’m hoping to get the big things done in the coming weeks, which I’ll be sharing of course.
I still don’t know the gender. I had the option to find out almost 2 weeks ago and I turned it down. A part of me doesn’t want to know, but a part of me does. Will keep you posted on that…
Seeing as my life is going to change, and this is clearly going to be a huge part of my life, I am currently trying to figure out how I’m going to balance everything. I don’t want to bore everyone with baby posts, but maybe some of you will find it interesting? Something everyone should know about me is this: I’ve never been a baby person. I don’t go nuts over babies, I don’t particularly want to hold them, I don’t care to see their pictures online (LOL), so you can rest assured that I won’t be that kind of Mommy. I want to keep the essence of why you follow me alive, which up until this point has NOT included a baby. However, I’m sure, just like my dogs, it (see?!) will make an appearance here and there. But truthfully, tell me what you guys think. Do you want to be kept in the loop? Do you want to see baby posts? I’m turning to you guys to guide me here, because I really want to make sure I don’t lost my identity just because I have a baby. One thing I can say is, you can count on shit staying REAL.
OKAY….now that you know….I can finally get excited because I’M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!
XO
Sivan
