Why I Don't Have Mom Guilt - Sivan

Why I Don't Have Mom Guilt

My life has always been a juggling act.

School / Work

Work / Blogging

Blogging / Motherhood

And most recently Blogging / Motherhood / Business Owner

It appears as I get older I like to have a lot on my plate. No complaints whatsoever – it fulfills me, gives me purpose, and brings me immense happiness. It’s not always easy. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever really easy, but there are times when it’s manageable and I feel completely on top of my shit and other times when I feel like I’m actually drowning and I start having dreams about drowning (like last night). THAT is when it kind of sucks because my anxiety takes over everything.

This post is not about my anxiety, so I’ll spare you that, but do know that it definitely plays a factor in my life. Finding a balance between working and being a mother has been the strangest of all my juggling acts. I feel super conflicted: some days I feel really sad that I don’t spend all my time with Capri since I see how fast she is growing up. Other days I feel like I have the perfect balance. It’s a roller coaster, I’m sure you understand.

The cold hard facts of balancing the two is easy: I have help. My family is incredibly generous with their time and each have a dedicated day with Capri. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, & Friday someone is here with her while I work. Thursday is my day with Capri. No family, no Paul. I honestly look forward to my day with her because it’s my one true taste of full-time Mommyhood. Now judge me allll you want, but by the end of Thursday I’m dead tired, ready for a glass of wine, and looking forward to my working Friday. Spending all your time with a baby is challenging on so many levels. Obviously they require all of your time and attention. Once they are mobile you’re constantly on your feet chasing them around. The physical act of carrying her kills my back (LOL I’m old). Then throw in teething or a random grumpy mood and you’re in for crying and screaming, which exhausts me more than anything.

I honestly go back and forth on wanting more or less help. Since I work from home I do have the luxury of spending extra time with her throughout the day when I have breaks in between my work. I don’t find that to be enough though, and some days I get emotional about the fact that I want more quality time with her. A realistic solution I’ve recently implemented is cutting off my work day at 5:00PM to spend time with Capri. We play, take a bath, eat dinner, read books, and then Paul and I put her to bed. Our nightly ritual is super important to me, especially during the week, since that’s really the only time I get her all to myself.

Once Capri goes to bed I cook dinner, catch up with Paul, then spend some time on my phone answering DMs, replying to emails, linking things for you guys, mapping out the following day, etc. It might sound like nothing on paper but time management is a skill and I’m not always the best at it. I think back to pre-baby days and laugh at how I could sit on the couch for 2 hours replying to DMs, uninterrupted, and how I truly took that for granted. Today I have about 15-20 minutes to do that before I fall asleep at night and I just have to accept the fact that my time is precious and limited and I’m doing the best I can.

And I guess I should touch on the reason you’re reading this post. The Guilt. Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t feel guilty. Working to build something that is not only supporting our family, but could potentially also be handed down to Capri one day is NOT something to feel guilty about.

I will say that I attend a lot less events these days, as most of them take place around Capri’s bedtime, and like I said above, our bedtime routine is really important to me. I also try to only make plans once per week (at night) for the same reason. If we are talking guilt, it’s my friends I feel guilty about. I have been less available, social, and a little MIA trying to balance work and motherhood. But thankfully my friends are understanding and supporting people, so really it’s my own issue to deal with.

I feel a little selfish going on trips without Capri (or Paul) but I think it’s healthy and actually good for me at the end of the day. As much as I love her, I think having time away is good for my mental being and allows me to let loose. Since having her I feel a block that prevents me from having too much fun because in the back of my head I know I need to be prepared and functioning for my child. Being away on a trip gives me a little break from that and I can truly relax.

Motherhood is hard no matter what your situation is. Stay-at-home mom, working mom, entrepreneur mom, social mom, each one poses different issues but I know the one thing they have in common is the guilt. I personally find the emotion to be worthless but I understand it’s not always in our control how we feel. However, if you are aware of this feeling you are already on the right path (self awareness is key). Focus on the positive and know that as long as your actions have a positive motive, there is no reason to feel guilty.

I’m curious, how many of you are mothers that read my blog? Would love to know. Let me know down below.