Kind of struggled titling this post since I don’t *actually* know what I’m about to write. I know that in the last year the topic of friendships in general has come up a lot in my DM’s, question boxes, etc., and I finally feel like I have something to contribute to the conversation. A lot of times when people ask me about things I don’t have a clear answer on, I just avoid it. I’m working on being more direct about how I feel about things (even when I don’t fully know yet) so here’s my attempt at addressing a very hot topic.
My 37th birthday is next week and I can honestly say that in my adult life I have had very very minimal friend drama. I wouldn’t even call it drama, maybe just a misunderstanding or sticky situation. The days of fighting with friends, talking behind each others back, and getting caught up in the wrong crowd was something I left behind when I graduated high school. I absolutely hated friend drama in school and knew I would only ever surround myself with people who felt easy and I could be myself around.
In the last year I’ve acquired some friendship knowledge from my friends. Their experiences have led them to make observations that were shared with me, and now I’m sharing with you. While some of this I have experienced first hand, some of it is just passed down.
Obviously I moved to a new city 3 years ago, knowing very few people upon coming here. I was lucky to even know the 3 couples I did know, because in turn I was introduced to some truly wonderful people. Forming new friendships as an adult who is no longer in school, doesn’t go out much, and works with a small group of women, is going to pose some issues. In order to actively make friends you have to let your guard down, put yourself out there, and in my case, step out of your comfort zone and speak to strangers (lol).
I was determined to meet new friends in San Diego and it took me a solid year and a half before I felt like I finally found my people, my community, and true friendship. You almost have to “date” friends in order to figure out if you’re a good fit for one another. If you’re curious how I met people, I wrote about it here, but one of the biggest contributors was I joined a workout group in my neighborhood. It ended up being an incredibly easy way to make friends since you’re doing an activity (aka no small talk necessary) while a natural flow of conversation just happens between your exercises. As it turns out, a lot of people want to make friends. Even people who seem to be more established and settled and you might think they already have their friend group.
Finding like-minded people who are in the same stage of life as me was such a blessing, because that is one thing I’ve realized has shifted for me as I’ve evolved and grown up. When you connect with people who are going through the same things as you, it automatically makes you feel more comfortable to be yourself. The topics of conversation are relevant to you. You feel seen / heard / validated. Simply put, it’s more relatable.
Something I’ve always tried to identify when letting new people into my life is if they fall into the category of a high-maintenance friend or a low-maintenance friend. This might make me sound like a bad friend, but I’m just being honest with myself (& you) that I currently only have a certain amount of myself / time / effort that I can put into friendships right now. With said ‘stage of life’ there just isn’t much left for me to give. I’m not the friend who will constantly call or text. I will 100% be there for you during important moments, I will support you, I will give you my undivided attention in person, and I will include you in my important life moments. I am, what I consider, a low-maintenance friend.
There are special exceptions to this, of course, because I happen to also have the world’s literal best friend, who is the true definition of ride-or-die, so she will forever get more from me. This is why I have never loosely tossed around the term ‘best friend.’ Even though it might sound childish, I have an above & beyond friendship with a person who is practically another sister. Even physical distance between us will not change the history, closeness, comfort and love I have for her.
When I lived in LA I had a pretty tight group of friends because I always felt that quality over quantity was the right mindset to have about friendships. I still stand by this. Now that I live in a different city the nature of my friendships has changed since I can’t be there too often, but the history of our friendship will always keep us connected and friends despite me not physically being there. And to be honest, I spend more quality time with people in LA now that I moved than I did when I lived in LA!
Lastly, the hard part about this topic – when friendships dissolve or end. In true human nature, just like relationships, sometimes you just grow apart. Life happens and sometimes you’re just not compatible friends anymore. I have experienced change in friendships that has hurt me, but I also try to be pragmatic and understand that sometimes these things happen unintentionally. If it feels like work, it probably isn’t the right friendship. That might sound harsh, but to me the underlying key for a solid friendship is being able to be yourself. If you find yourself tiptoeing or feeling uneasy around someone, it’s not a sustainable friendship. You also should ask yourself, ‘how is this friendship serving me?’ Not in an opportunistic way, obviously, but does the friendship fulfill you? You will only have less time and capacity the older you get, and so for me it is crucial to feel like every friendship is meaningful.
Looking at the landscape of my current friendships is both exciting and sad. While I miss my friends who have been there with me through major life moments, I’m also equally grateful for my newer friends who have welcomed me as a friend and make me feel like I can genuinely be myself. There is an ease to friendships like that and that is what I aspire to always feel around my friends. I hope this post was helpful or insightful to anyone who was curious about my take on this subject.